Making mom friends…something that sounds so easy, so natural, is also quite hard for a lot of moms out there. It wasn’t until I created a poll on Instagram that I learned just how many moms are struggling with this (insert a thankful, I’m not the only one, sigh). That’s why I’m writing this post, to say, hey mama, I see you, you aren’t alone. It can be hard, but it’s worth it. So don’t stop trying, and here are a few tips for finding that illusive mom friend. Motherhood is meant to be shared.
Why It’s Harder Now.
Remember when your schedule was your schedule? When you could meet up with friends at the drop of a hat, the opportunities endless, and the obligations few? I sure do. In High School and College you’re surrounded with people, interaction and a wide open schedule.
Fast forward to now and your schedule is full of work, a spouse, a home, kids, the list goes on and on….and even when the opportunities arise and you finally make that playdate at the park or library date, your conversational depth is bound to stay more in the shallow end of kids ages, school options, etc.. instead of diving into the deep end of say- your current postpartum feelings. If you do happen upon a meaningful convo the odds are that little Johnny will also skin his knee simultaneously (or God forbid, hurt the other child somehow). Rome wasn’t built in a day and a friendship takes more than exchanging child-focused pleasantries.
Start Dating Moms
No seriously, if you are on the hunt for a mom friend, approaching that relationship like you would a dating relationship makes sense. You need time, focus, and intentionality. Get the nerve and ask that mom to coffee (minus the kiddos). It’s probably not going to be easy, you’re going to have to schedule childcare, muster up the energy after a rough night with the baby, and take time for you. Of all the conversations I’ve had with other moms, the ones that happen one on one, without a child attached to me seems to have been the most profitable.
Where to Meet Them
Sadly, meeting other moms doesn’t always happen organically. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who grew up in the town you currently live and catching up with a mom friend is as easy as scrolling through your contact list on your phone and shooting out a quick text. But, if you are like the majority of moms, you’ve had a move since college, or maybe even a life change that has caused a bit of a shift in your old pool of friends.
I know personally, moving to a new town, even just an hour away from where I grew up felt very isolating and required action on my part to meet new moms. When I asked my friends on Instagram if they had trouble making new friends after motherhood the response was overwhelmingly YES! These were just a few of the places my followers mentioned where they met new friends:
- Local Library
- Church
- Find your Local Mops (Moms Group)
- Join A book or bible study. I’ve loved my last two years at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).
- The Gym
- Sign up for a local Mommy and Me class.
These are a few that have worked for me. Some of these even have free childcare available which means uninterrupted conversations!
A Few Things to Remember
*Not all moms are available. It doesn’t take long when trying to make new mom friends to realize who is and isn’t looking to grow their circle of friends. they have “their person” and they are capped. I’ve been there. You text, you try to make plans and it just isn’t reciprocated. If you are trying to initiate friendships (good for you mama), you have to expect this to happen. Don’t let this discourage you from trying. Closed circles/mom cliques can happen- sometimes unintentionally. But believe me, there are plenty of moms who you’d assume have found their person and are capped with friendships, but their circle is open and welcoming. I’ve met a few of these mamas and their kindness has warmed my heart in the best way. Be that mama.
*Plans change. If I had a dollar for every time my plans changed due to my kids or my friends kids (sickness, naps, etc..) mom friendships require flexibility and forgiveness.
*It doesn’t have to be the “perfect fit“. You aren’t trying to cultivate this amazing relationship with an entire family. If the husbands or the kids don’t click, that’s ok. You are looking for a friend, not to be adopted.
A Note to Moms Who Found Their Person.
I remember being in High School, I had been friends with most in my grade since birth. I didn’t feel that need to make friends, I had them. My friendship cup was full and I had no real desire to help fill someone else’s cup. I had no idea what it felt like to be the newbie. Skip to college and post-college. I knew no one and finally felt that “new girl” feeling. Ugh. Fast forward a bit more to being postpartum in a new town away from family. Again, Ugh.
Maybe that’s not you, maybe you have been blessed to grow up alongside your bestie and now you’re raising kiddos alongside one another. Lucky girl. Cherish that person, and that friendship. My challenge to you would be to try to tap into the “new girl” feeling as best you can. When you are out and about with your bestie, look around for that mom who looks a little lost and invite her over. Keep an eye out for that mom who maybe just had a baby, or a mom who is new to town. A mom who could probably use a coffee, conversation, and a “you got this”. I know schedules are busy and families come first. Moms aren’t looking for special events, or major time commitments. Maybe just a simple playdate at your home, or a walk around target together would brighten her week.
Well mama, that’s all I have for now. I hope this has helped you feel less alone, and given you some ideas of dealing with the trouble of finding mom friends. It’s not as easy as it used to be, but it’s so very worth it. A group of moms united together, lifting each other up, and finding a few laughs along the way is such a beautiful thing. Don’t miss it.
